Uncle Su’s Got Some.

Good morning space rabbits!

OK I’m very guilty of this Nyquil abuse business last night. So for the last 2 days I have been sleeping irregularly again, waking up at 4pm only to sleep at 6am. And then the cycle repeats itself again for the next day. Very vicious cycle.

So like the typical average neighbourhood genius, I opened up my first aid box and opened a new bottle of Nyquil, gulped 30mL of it (as directed by the bottle, of course) and viola within minutes I’m sleeping in fetal position. As peaceful as a baby. Good stuff, I might add. Now it’s 6pm. I’m awake physically but whoa dude, so highhhh dude! Everything feels funny and bolstered dudeeee…. Good stuff I tells ya!

Kids, I’d say please don’t do this at home but hey, a little off the counter psychedelic won’t kill you, right? Right?

Very very bad boy.

Coldplay - Fix You

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

I am having one of those episodes again. The kind when I feel worthless and helpless. The kind when I lose all confidence, self-esteem and self-respect. I have been working so hard in class for the past weeks. I’ve been waking up early for classes and staying up late for homeworks. I’ve reviewed materials. I’ve planned, scheduled and rescheduled my study schedule, over and over again. I’ve tried to make things work but they just aren’t.

I am having a midterm in a few hours. Instead of doing any last minute touch-ups like the rest of the class is, I am pouring my heart out here. No, I haven’t studied for it. I gave up yesterday when I flunked a midterm. I’ve emailed my adviser telling her I have up, I want to withdraw for the class. I want to withdraw from all classes. I want to go back to Bali, go back to taking beautiful pictures. I want to be touching up on photos instead of working day and night for my classes. I don’t want to make a resume. I don’t have anything to boast in the resume anyway.

So yes I am the guy who drops a class 2 weeks after the deadline, no less a few hours before his first midterm.
I’m sure my advisor’s shaking her head in disbelief. The dude who came for advising as early as June, who whines when he was told that he had to stay for another 2.5 years to graduate, who was asking so much questions about masters’ programs and MBA… who whined about how little credit he had this term.. Is now dropping one of his class.

I guess now I should just move on to the next midterm. Let the cycle begin again. Oh am I glad I’ll be in Bloomington IN by this weekend.

Worthless. Weak. What would your father think? What would he say? Didn’t you say you’d do him proud?

Someone fix me up please. Please.

I’ve got a standardized organic chemistry exam tomorrow. I haven’t studied for it extensively enough, and at this point I’ve practically given up.

Because I am more preoccupied with my pictures. Because I care more about selling my stuff, getting my driver’s license done, packing up for my road trips and all. Because the next chapter of my life is coming and I am very much unprepared for it. And I’m sooo scared that I’m giving up on the present.

Seattle really made me weak.

I found out my housemate smokes. I was the last in the house to find out. Now every time I hear him cough, I whisper “You’re gonna die, you’re gonna die.”

I am getting horrendous grades for this quarter, despite myself thinking that I have put in a lot of work. I don’t know much about photography or getting along with others despite myself thinking that I’ve been reading widely and that I am a natural charm around people.

I am being very self-obsessed lately. Every thing that I mess up has been patched back by blaming others or giving lame excuses. I have lied to countless people trying to preserve my image and reputation. Apparently I have been deceiving myself too?

I think I spent too much time shoving my anger down everyone else’s throats, convincing them how much hardship I am enduring right now, and how dare them question me about integrity and perseverance… When I could have spent more time being humble, teachable and actually doing something right for a long time now.

I feel empty now… Somebody please slap me awake.

Transferring to CalTech has been my dream goal.

My parents have always told me to get the best for myself, and so I really looked out for myself. But then there are naysayers out there, friends or not, discouraging ones who scoff at the idea that I can EVEN DREAM of going to Caltech. Some of them have my interest in mind and wants to bring me back to reality. Some just don’t friggin’ care and just want me to fail.

And then there’s my own perception of my ability. I’m not exactly the best student in class. I’m not the first person classmates go to for help, and I’m not the one with the best scores for exams and assignments. I know all these. In fact, at some destructive period of my life (which goes in a cycle and arise at some point or another in a quarter, always), I get passive aggressive, not do my work, lie for the work I haven’t done, get dependent on classmates, and just don’t give a crap about my education. I think there’s miles of improvements to go for me when it comes to responsibilities and discipline.

And what took the cake was this:

The keyword here is “Five-year totals”.

There’s 4 days to deadline, I haven’t started, and I’m not sure if this is what I want anymore.

“That knowing is better than wandering.”

“That waking is better than sleeping.”

Oh the things poet do to hide away their dysfunctionality.

Let me put that in bold: Profile Views: 114 since 1/1/2007.

Figure how many profiles I spied on in order for them to back-spy me…

Fate is.

I had a rough day today in school, but somehow my iTunes picked Coldplay’s Fix You. I repeated the track over and over again.

When you try your best but you don’t succeed,
When you get what you want but not what you need.

Thank god for pirated music. =)

I have a research paper due in 1.5 weeks, a personal statement for a particular scholarship due in less than a week, and a personal statement for a particular group of universities due in less that 3 weeks. I know of them since 2 months ago, and yet I have not done a single thing about them. Busy surfing the web lah, what to do…

So after careful calculation, that leaves me with an average of 500 words/day for the next 3 weeks, without even considering time for editing and revision. 3 freaking weeks! That includes the looong Thanksgiving holiday. Man! I am alive not.

So if I want to get into CalTech as a transfer student, all I have to do is to get my triple science and math courses done, get exceptional recommendations from 2 faculty members, get my toefl nailed, get a 3 hour math exam and another 4h physics exam nailed, write an impressive personal statement, and then fight amongst the other million applicants till June, yes?

Somebody throw me a glass of scotch please.

Never on something you cannot off
If you don’t know how to end the relationship in case it turn bad, don’t start it

Don’t on something you want to off anyway
If you are just thinking of fooling around just to see how it goes, screw your F-ed up intentions, homie.

Preheat the oven before you put in the turkey
Let it flow from friendship and wait. So if she’s got a psychotic stalking threathening demonic older sister, you’d already know.

If it’s not broken, you’re blind
No one know when they’re already in denial. Be neurotic about maintaining your romantic relationship. Jennifer Aniston learned it the hard way

Talking too much is a virtue
Communication, communication, communication.

All compasses points north
Notice how you’re always dating the same type of psychotic insane stalking bitches? Yeah? That’s cause they’re always the ones showing interest in you first. And guess what, you always fall into their traps, every single time. So jolly well change your pattern, have some initiative, and choose the chick you wanna date, not the other way around

If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen
If she gets too demanding, or too emotionally challenging, or simply being a 24h PMS machine bitch, you bail. Another good move is to get a pre-nuptial agreement for every marriage you go through.

I think a lot sometimes, I really do.

Reached home with a hungry stomach and a banging urge to have another 3 hour conversation over the phone with S.

And then I got to meet a senior who’s getting married by next year. Oh God bless her soul, she’s such an Angel. Hop she’ll overcome her Goliaths in life, with a faith like that.

And then I thought, Hmm, what is the college’s policy on dating your co-workers and uh, say, blogging?

Pardon me for making any sense at this moment, but deja vu can be serious shiit. A colleague of mine is starting to act ALOT like my ex Sephia. Or, maybe it’s just my manic-depression being overwhelmed by the lack of affection on a daily basis.

And darling senior of mine asked how my love life is going. I told her to arrange a mail-order bride for me.

God, I’m really hungry. You there, kiss my bender! Pardon me, its the bi-polar symptoms acting up again.

You know, some retrospective may turn out to be a positive twist in life. Admit it, dating a blogger can get scary. Imagine if your girlfriend is an avid blogger who likes posting pictures of herself blowing cheeks and acting cute in front of the mirror. Or if she likes to talk about her hamster in her blog. Or say, where she shopped the previous weekend and what she bought.

Oh my god, don’t even get me started.