Uncle Su’s Got Some.

Good morning space rabbits!

OK I’m very guilty of this Nyquil abuse business last night. So for the last 2 days I have been sleeping irregularly again, waking up at 4pm only to sleep at 6am. And then the cycle repeats itself again for the next day. Very vicious cycle.

So like the typical average neighbourhood genius, I opened up my first aid box and opened a new bottle of Nyquil, gulped 30mL of it (as directed by the bottle, of course) and viola within minutes I’m sleeping in fetal position. As peaceful as a baby. Good stuff, I might add. Now it’s 6pm. I’m awake physically but whoa dude, so highhhh dude! Everything feels funny and bolstered dudeeee…. Good stuff I tells ya!

Kids, I’d say please don’t do this at home but hey, a little off the counter psychedelic won’t kill you, right? Right?

Very very bad boy.

Coldplay - Fix You

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

I am having one of those episodes again. The kind when I feel worthless and helpless. The kind when I lose all confidence, self-esteem and self-respect. I have been working so hard in class for the past weeks. I’ve been waking up early for classes and staying up late for homeworks. I’ve reviewed materials. I’ve planned, scheduled and rescheduled my study schedule, over and over again. I’ve tried to make things work but they just aren’t.

I am having a midterm in a few hours. Instead of doing any last minute touch-ups like the rest of the class is, I am pouring my heart out here. No, I haven’t studied for it. I gave up yesterday when I flunked a midterm. I’ve emailed my adviser telling her I have up, I want to withdraw for the class. I want to withdraw from all classes. I want to go back to Bali, go back to taking beautiful pictures. I want to be touching up on photos instead of working day and night for my classes. I don’t want to make a resume. I don’t have anything to boast in the resume anyway.

So yes I am the guy who drops a class 2 weeks after the deadline, no less a few hours before his first midterm.
I’m sure my advisor’s shaking her head in disbelief. The dude who came for advising as early as June, who whines when he was told that he had to stay for another 2.5 years to graduate, who was asking so much questions about masters’ programs and MBA… who whined about how little credit he had this term.. Is now dropping one of his class.

I guess now I should just move on to the next midterm. Let the cycle begin again. Oh am I glad I’ll be in Bloomington IN by this weekend.

Worthless. Weak. What would your father think? What would he say? Didn’t you say you’d do him proud?

Someone fix me up please. Please.

Cousin Dearest stayed in Seattle while I left for Ann Arbor. Earlier today I was chatting with him on MSN, and we talked about my new mac, his lost SIM card, how fucked up he’s been without a phone or a computer mike (can’t call Dominos, had to fast for the night since nobody’s home either), and how bizzare he felt when the tmobile guy didn’t even ask for his ID when he got the new SIM card. Well he’s happy they didn’t cause the phone’s under my name and he wouldn’t be able to get his SIM had they asked for identification.

I laughed so hard on this other end of the computer… I am starting to miss my old home, starting to miss my dearest CD! Sometimes I just take him for granted and forgot he’s been the consistent anchor in my life, be it his funny antics or his everlasting Singlish accent (yes OMG 2 years out of the island and its still thick!)

I better go back Seattle soon to check on him. Make sure he’s not lost and all… Heh maybe he misses me too, fingers crossed.

I’ve got a standardized organic chemistry exam tomorrow. I haven’t studied for it extensively enough, and at this point I’ve practically given up.

Because I am more preoccupied with my pictures. Because I care more about selling my stuff, getting my driver’s license done, packing up for my road trips and all. Because the next chapter of my life is coming and I am very much unprepared for it. And I’m sooo scared that I’m giving up on the present.

Seattle really made me weak.

I found out my housemate smokes. I was the last in the house to find out. Now every time I hear him cough, I whisper “You’re gonna die, you’re gonna die.”

Mom called tonight, and among the many things we discusses, she asked if I was still in contact with Sephia. I said, mmm yeah Mom but its nothing. Friend stuff. She said good, I should at least keep my friends close and please keep looking because she can’t wait to 抱顺子！

That’s something worth cocking an eyebrow for.

I bet she’s worried that I’m gay. Don’t worry Mama, I love women so much I pay special tribute to them every night, in my bedroom with scented incense, candles and my (very thick very long) flute oboe.

OMG! OMG! Whoa liew how come whole family only I 没人爱！

I think what I meant when I said I believed in Karma is that, I can want something so bad for a moment (a Nikon D70s), forgot about it because it will cost more than what my lack of follow-through can shoulder, and then have the money appear out of no where in the form of scholarship I won months ago. That, after loaning a large amount of money to pay for a friend’s college tuition. That, in addition to the tax refund that I’m supposed to get (fingers crossed). That’s not including the extra scholarship at my institution of choice in the state (which I have to vie for on a separate application).

On another note, 4 weeks of dance practice has gone by and we’ll be performing tomorrow night. I really thank the ladies for accepting me in and being so patient in getting my grooves right. I’m so proud of them and myself that I can giggle in glee when I’m alone.

On another note, once dance is over, I should be back on my jogging and weight-lifting regiment (while trying not to put too much strain on my shoulder cause it hurt so much I have to put ice-pack over it), be getting my DSLR (and taking pictures that I should have taken months ago), get my driver’s license, apply to school departments, plan my summer, book air tickets and applying for OPT. You tell me, should I travel around (Florida, NY, Egypt, Hawaii, Bali) or work (probably unpaid internships, working slave labor in labs but good for future resume)?

I am getting horrendous grades for this quarter, despite myself thinking that I have put in a lot of work. I don’t know much about photography or getting along with others despite myself thinking that I’ve been reading widely and that I am a natural charm around people.

I am being very self-obsessed lately. Every thing that I mess up has been patched back by blaming others or giving lame excuses. I have lied to countless people trying to preserve my image and reputation. Apparently I have been deceiving myself too?

I think I spent too much time shoving my anger down everyone else’s throats, convincing them how much hardship I am enduring right now, and how dare them question me about integrity and perseverance… When I could have spent more time being humble, teachable and actually doing something right for a long time now.

I feel empty now… Somebody please slap me awake.

1. Photowalking with Hackson, Nelli and Noha
2. Learn Photoshop from guru-almighty Hackson.
3. Volunteering at U-District food bank and Northwest Hospital - pull Andy along
4. Learn the dance steps for ISA event- crazy dance steps!
5. Exercise, er six pack for summer?
6. Have more self-restraint with the bad habits
7. Get a Macbook, a D50 and figure what I’ll do with the leftover laptop and camera.
8. Apply to UW Chemical Engineering Dept.
9. Decide where to transfer to.
10. If staying in Seattle, get a new non-wobbly table and extra white lighting. And tradeoff the Queen-size bed with a smaller one. More space for pseudo-breakdancing.
11. If moving away, settle housing and travel, and settle old room. Get replacement housemates for the boys.
12. Get a driver’s license.
13. Decide on a car brand, model and budget.
14. Have a lot a lot of fun.
15. Plan summer trip, and actually doing it. Maui, LA, Bali or France. Decisions decisions. Book partners in crime. Or backpack to south America like the boss suggested.
16. Keep eyes open for research/internship opportunities.
17. Liquidize all of my textbooks! OMG they’re collecting dust mites!

edit: I think its only appropriate that I do some sort of resolution for my 20th birthday. (even though I’ll abandon it first thing in 2 months or so…)

My birthday was great. GREAT. Had lunch with Andy and Polly on Friday, followed by supper with Angie (same time hiding from any possible birthday pranks). She’s got a sexy Civic. Heck, it still smell of leather. But I cannot say that she’s a great driver. We got lost a few times, changed destinations a few times (from dinner to movies to karaoke to finally just a supper).

Next day’s lunch was with Will and Wilson. Gorged myself out with Thai food. Had a birthday cake for dinner. Nice job how they got so organized in coming when I’m napping in my room half naked. Nice job on asking Queen Koil along too. QB you’re welcome for the first cake. Hmm, would have been better if I was allowed to take the pictures instead. I’m good, ok…

Just finished a part of the work I’m supposed to be doing this weekend. Madness… This feels so much like the end of the quarter, with deadlines up my neck and lethargy up my ass. Pardon my French.

Tomorrow will be a 12h marathon of math, chemistry, chem lab and caffeine. Thank got for the Starbucks raincheck I got the other time. Edit: Turned ou to be a 12h marathon of sleeping before everything I planned took place.

Thank you all you well-wishers and you’ve come for the surprise. Photos here. Love, Su.

Transferring to CalTech has been my dream goal.

My parents have always told me to get the best for myself, and so I really looked out for myself. But then there are naysayers out there, friends or not, discouraging ones who scoff at the idea that I can EVEN DREAM of going to Caltech. Some of them have my interest in mind and wants to bring me back to reality. Some just don’t friggin’ care and just want me to fail.

And then there’s my own perception of my ability. I’m not exactly the best student in class. I’m not the first person classmates go to for help, and I’m not the one with the best scores for exams and assignments. I know all these. In fact, at some destructive period of my life (which goes in a cycle and arise at some point or another in a quarter, always), I get passive aggressive, not do my work, lie for the work I haven’t done, get dependent on classmates, and just don’t give a crap about my education. I think there’s miles of improvements to go for me when it comes to responsibilities and discipline.

And what took the cake was this:

The keyword here is “Five-year totals”.

There’s 4 days to deadline, I haven’t started, and I’m not sure if this is what I want anymore.

“That knowing is better than wandering.”

“That waking is better than sleeping.”

Oh the things poet do to hide away their dysfunctionality.

Let me put that in bold: Profile Views: 114 since 1/1/2007.

Figure how many profiles I spied on in order for them to back-spy me…

Happy 51st Birthday for Dad and 46th Birthday for Mom! (Their birthdays have a 6 days gap in between)

I have news that a cousin of mine passed away after she and her husband were involved in an accident with a motorcycle. They were married for merely a month. Everyone back home is still mourning her death.

The facts of life is just tragically harsh. Its not a game of fair or unfair anymore. I need to re-think my life. Treasure every little thing in your lives, people.

Fate is.